The Ooey Gooey #2: Very Goo-d News...
Last week, in the midst of all the anxiety and waiting and life stuff, I received some very good news… a grant from the Canada Council for the Arts which I applied for last summer was approved! What this means essentially is that I’ve been awarded enough money that my basic living costs will be covered for about a year while I work on a new manuscript of poetry. This is…. life-changing, to say the least! Despite all the complicated feelings I’m having around receiving this gift, I am so wildly grateful to be honoured with money (aka, time) to make my art.
It was shocking, still is shocking and I’m not entirely sure how to feel about it myself or how to share the good news with the people who love me—who want to hear the good news and to celebrate this success. Or how to tell you, here! My instinct, fermented over this isolated, anxious season, is to make myself small and to hide from the world. But hi, that’s not how being an artist works, Jess.
Why is it that we can struggle to accept our successes when they arrive?
I waited for Chris to open the results email with me, not sure if I could handle what would be on the other side of this news either way. Sweet Chris came home with wine & whiskey, which he insisted was for celebrating, no matter the results. When I finally read the news—there is was. I’d done it. Or rather, I’d been given the permission and the means to do it. I was laughing. I couldn’t believe it. And then… I started sobbing.
I didn’t realize until that very moment how mean the narratives were that I’d been running on repeat in my mind. You’re a bad person. You don’t have any friends. If you share your art, you’re going to get cancelled. They can’t give this grant to me! They need to give it to someone who actually deserves it!
Even that word—deserve—has felt very fraught to me over the last few years. When I’ve had successes, one of the most common things people say to me is “You deserve it!” Which is so kind and I’m thankful for those affirmations, but the way I think about it, there are so many people who also deserve that success who didn’t get it, who are likewise rolling the dice on a career in the arts, betting on their own blend of passion, talent, and dedicated hard work. When I was a finalist for the Bronwen Wallace Award last year, I was one of three selected from a pool of over 300 applicants. Now I simply will not hear it that there weren’t other people in that 300 who weren’t equally deserving.
Perhaps this is a form of subtle self-sabotaging, a way to keep myself small. Or perhaps this thinking is overly ambitious—as in, why can’t we all win? Instead of one person with $25,000 and 24 people with nothing, why not 25 people with $1000? Perhaps I am too utopian in my thinking for this life-as-bed-of-nails we live under capitalism. But mutual aid feels like a much better option than hierarchy & individualism being encouraged in the art world instead of community.
I don’t know. And I’m sorry, but I don’t have a neat bow to tie it all up in. I’m hoping that this newsletter can be relatable to people, and tied-up-in-a-bow is not my life or anyone’s. I hope that this can be a place for me to sit down and work things imperfectly out twice each month and that you will get something out of that too. Because I believe that writing & art is a space of collaboration, sharing in others’ struggles opens up our capacity to feel seen in our own struggles. We are not alone.
So anyway, I made this headband! Life’s a rollercoaster and right now I’m in the dip (no art-making, just emails, and hey look at that, more grant writing!) Knitting, sewing, weaving—anything where I’m using my hands to magically bring something into being—is so incredibly grounding to me. Even writing this newsletter has really brought the ol’ heart rate down.
Art Share
Here’s a sneak peak at a banner I started working on last night! The sample of plaid was the first thing I made on my new rigid heddle loom as a test (and now I’m kinda in love with making improvisational plaid… more to come!) I used to make these banners back when the pandemic began and hang them off my balcony. Because fuck galleries, I just want to connect with people! I called it Balcony Gallery and I think it might need a reopening…
I’ve been returning to the powerful teachings of Buddhism to help me with my anxiety and cycling intrusive thoughts. Robina Curtin is a new-to-me Buddhist nun who has a very down-to-earth, approachable style of presenting the teachings. Check her out, especially if you’re new to Buddhist psychology.
I’ve started a gratitude journal for the first time and it’s really nice. It’s been helping me to stay grounded in the present moment, find focus and motivation, and to appreciate all the beauty that’s around me. Ya know, gratitude.
Some great books that I’ve been reading: Men in the Off Hours by Anne Carson, Geek Love by Katherine Dunn, and an issue of the Capilano Review on translation & “translingualism”.
I’ve returned to the Ask a Mortician YouTube channel which is just so fabulous! Why did I ever stop watching? (Thanks, the algorithm.) This video on options for eco-burial is a great place to start if you’ve never watched. Know your rights in death!
If you like that headband above, here’s the pattern. Quick & easy to follow!
I’m a big fan of Sarah Z’s channel where she & her co-writer Emily make thoughtful & funny videos about online culture. Their newest one is all about how public shaming leads to self-policing mentalities and the instating of a ‘torment nexus’. Talking about both Tumblr & Foucault in the same breath… this is my kind of scholarship.
Having finally exhausted Stardew Valley (just one radish salad recipe away from 100% !), I’ve returned to playing Harvest Moon on my N64 and it is…. really something. Full of nostalgia, but also who wants to push their cows into the barn one-by-one? Is this a rant for no one… yes.
More Buddhism! This video of a Buddhist monk’s “morning routine” sounds click-bait-y, but I’ve implemented some of the practices and they’re very grounding.